BadGirlBreeze

Up at this hour, why? Because I lot is on my mind. I really don’t understand the whole “if you love someone let them go…” or the “absence makes the heart grown fonder”. Not that I don’t understand, its just that why do we have this mentality? Why does it take a loss to cherish love, as opposed to a win? Why is winning never enough? If you have someone you love and treats you like royalty, why not stop there? I think it’s because most relationships are one sided, with one person being treated like royalty and the other like a pauper. There sometimes come an instance where both parties are treated equally like royalty. I think that’s called marriage. There are also times where both parties lose this concept and here comes divorce. This is just my opinion but that’s how I feel about it. On to a similar topic. This whole knight in shining armor concept. I feel that a knight doesn’t have to be someone attractive to the world, just attractive to you, whatever your idea of that is. Doesn’t have to be the strongest or the one with the most force, just the one who has enough of what you seek to brighten your days in the absence of faith. Yea…I know, you should always have faith. And you should also always follow all the rules, not just the ones that make sense. Whatever. We’re human. We all fall short. Point. Blank. Period. This is also something that people don’t realize. This is why God chooses soulmates, so that when you do fall short, you got the person God chose for you so that you can get back on track, of His plan. That might be a tad deep for some so I’ll let that marinade a bit…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..okay. Yea. There are all these other actors in your life to show you what you can live with and what you can live without. On to the next. We being human often are never satisfied. Why? You’ve got someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated but you want more. You’re getting greedy. And reverting to an infantile state when you don’t get that. Wow. I guess you don’t grow up until you do huh. Anywho…this is it for now. Say what you want, do what you want. Toodles!

When you’re dating, you have a certain idea of what you want out of a relationship and who you want it out of. Everyone does: male or female. Whether it’s someone who you just wanted sex from and now they won’t leave or someone you want to stay forever but they are quick to walk away. And over the past few years I’ve realized that.A few years back, I wanted a relationship with this guy, while he was in a relationship with someone else. I held on to the hopes that he would leave her for me and we’d be in love and I’d be happy, because I had lost that in my prior engagement. Clearly that never happened, and surprisingly there’s really no salt or bad blood there. We’re friends. I explained to him recently that I would refrain from that which is physical until I came across someone who I thought would want more out of me than that. He explained to me that if I came across someone like that, he was lying and he is getting the physical he requires elsewhere. He also explained his past relationships and how he thought she’d be the one. I couldn’t help but to feel verbally crapped on. Yes, I understand we are friends and we are completely honest with each other, but to tell me to my face that I meant nothing more than what I got was…wow for lack of a better word. I’m not really attracted to this guy like I was but it still struck a nerve. I’ve now arrived at the present. I find myself in love with someone who doesn’t show the love. The like I get just fine. It’s because he doesn’t really know if the love is there. That’s fine. I can accept that. But what it seems to me is that on one had we’ve got someone saying all the wrong yet honest things and doing all the right things, and someone saying all the right things and doing all the right things but not often. It’s crazy and if fusion was an option I don’t think there would be any reasons to blog or vent on love however it comes. I’m really not torn, I know who I want and plan to pursue that as long as I can muster the strength to ride until the wheels fall off (*insider*). There’s only one and that’s all there is to that, but (yes…the big but) there’s a difference in being content and being happy. Acceptance is okay for a certain amount of time. These have been the dating crazies. toodles! 

So…here we are…in the land of the free and home of the brave. Is that really the case? If we were all free we would feel liberated rather than confined by the laws that govern. We would do what we want and say what we want with no regrets. If we were really brave we would do the same. I wouldn’t be afraid to completely let my guard down. I would tell you I love you, I would want to build a relationship with you. I would not care what my friends and family think of you, only that you’re right for me. I would embrace your past as that makes you the person you are today. If I were truly free I would hug you, kiss you and never let you go. I would tell you that you are the one. I would text you good morning, just to let you know I’m thinking of you. I would always want to see you, to be in your presence. With me, money would be no object. I would take you out on the town to let the whole world know you belong to me. I would have no reservations and know that I’m your only one. But I don’t feel free. I can’t. I’m scared. I’ve been hurt before, more than I’ll ever let on because I was taught to never show emotion. Rather than let you know how I really feel, I let you think I don’t care. What I’m really doing is waiting on you to thaw the ice from my heart…so there…there it is…well Tumblr, Twitter, been fun…have to go blonde forreal now. Toodles! 

I just want to know the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. Who are you to decide whether or not to give me that. I feel like of someone wants the truth bad enough. Give it to them. If they can’t handle it, oh well. It is no longer your problem. I feel like you would feel much better by doing so. Maybe that’s me. Anywho…mentally prepping for Lent…I do believe three chickens have my name on them…just kidding…at least for now. Toodles!

So as I’m sitting here cleaning up I’ve come to the conclusion of my mental. My histories seem to repeat themselves because I’ve never asked for tips on improvement. I never thought I needed improvement but now I see I do. So the plan is to not make excuses for my shortcomings and to not blame others. It is to research what I need to improve on and follow through with that. So I put this through to anyone who knows me and is willing to help, what is it that I need to improve on? The sky is the limit.

I must confess…I did exactly what I thought I wouldn’t, said what I didn’t think I could. The emotional me feels bad, but the bad girl in me doesn’t give two shits. I said what I wanted to, did what I wanted to. I have no regrets. I have learned a lot from this experience and that is what I will take with me. Guys come and go, friends just the same but my love for living my life is eternal. As long as I have my family and my faith I can overcome any adversity my way. I may be a Sagittarius but I handle burdens like a Gemini. I am one tough cookie and will get through this…it initially sucked but now I’m good. No tears here. There never were. Maybe that’s the sign. I never cried over this guy so he’s irrelevant to my life. I’m done. Toodles!